Hola!

So, this is the day I decided to start my blog. It isn't the first blog I've started. I'm a quitter, you see. But I'm also a starter, so I'm the best of both worlds. I don't know that you'd say I'm actually a "glass-half-full" kind of gal, but whatever. I'm a "whatever" sort of gal, I guess!

I have alot to talk about, and I really want to share it. There's an abnormal amount of stuff going on in my life, and I don't know whether it is normal or not. I think maybe you would say that it is somewhat abnormal in abnormal proportions, all at once. It really is a crazy life right now. I'm learning a ton. That's why I really just thought I would share it. You know - just throw it out there and see if anyone was interested. The internet is huge, and I don't know that anyone will ever even click on this page. It's ok with me if no one ever reads this. If no one does, then this will be my own private little place to come and spill my guts. That's perfectly acceptable. I've never been a journal writer. I guess that's what this would end up being. And if anyone decides to read along, that would be fun too. I don't know that I have any particular goal in mind,  other than to just share with the universe all the stuff that's in my head regarding the abnormal amount of stuff that's been hurtling my way through space and time these days. Because as Bill Waters once said "The days are just packed!" (Gold star on your forehead if you know what that's a reference to! And no, I'm not going to send you a gold star.)

The main event in my life right now is my husband's cancer. See, Darrin came into my life nearly 20 years ago, and he is my everything. In June he was diagnosed with lymphoma. It happened right there in the emergency room, as simple as that. "Darrin, you have lymphoma." Me (In a very stern and stupid voice): "NO!" Well, what did I think that would accomplish? Would the CT scan change at my command??? Would the doctor cower in fear and change his mind? Thoughtlessness prevails in moments of panic for me. And then came the tears. Nothing else mattered. I knew that lymphoma was cancer. Stupid, stupid cancer. I had never known my father-in-law because of cancer. My husband had grown up without his daddy because of cancer. Cancer is a bad word. Cancer is the F-bomb of the medical world. Cancer is just bad, bad, bad. Cancer, cancer go away. Never ever come to stay. I hate it. I've always hated it. I'm afraid of it. When I think of cancer, immediately an image of the grim reaper with his hollow face and creepy sickle pops into my head. All of that was just immediately in my head in the solitary heartbeat that passed as the doctor pronounced my sweet love's fate there in the emergency room on that June day.

And everything has been chaos since.

Oh, it isn't that it wasn't chaos before. Don't get me wrong. Where I go, storms seem to precede me! They anticipate my coming and build up pressure in preparation for my arrival. The mere fact of my presence is the only element necessary to bring about the first lovely drops of rain.

And isn't rain lovely?

It must be, because it rains in abundance everywhere I go! I'm learning to enjoy the journey, and the scenery while I travel. There is a popular phrase these days that goes something like this:

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I know, we've all heard it - to the point of it becoming a bit trite. But I still like it. Mostly I like it because it has become a kind of mantra for me. It isn't just the cancer. There's much, much more. So much more that when I try to laugh it off, sometimes it sounds a little bit like hysterical, demented laughter. But that's ok. I'm dancing.

And when I dance, I'm a ballerina. Ok, not a ballerina in REAL life, but a ballerina in my mind. And I'm amazingly graceful. Because I might as well go all the way, and make it a lovely delusion!

Several months ago they remodeled our local Walmart. In the process of shuffling shelves and making a general confusing mess of things, we found at one point a giant void of everything, right in the middle of what had once been the home improvement section. It was me, my hubby, my three kids and a couple of their friends. There we were, in a huge open space of tile, smack dab in the middle of Walmart! "What's it for?", one of the kids asked. "Well, isn't it obvious?" I responded. "It's for twirling!" I then abandoned my basket, grabbed one of the kids' hands, ran out into the center of the bald spot, and began to twirl with reckless abandon, arms spread wide. Soon, all the kids were twirling along with us, for no reason at all. My husband finally gave in and joined us. Before long, several other families that happened by were there with us, just twirling and giggling. Twirling and giggling in Walmart! What a sight to behold! Adults in their 40's, teenagers, young children, anyone who could or would . . . unabashedly just making complete fools of themselves, all for the sake of I-don't-know-what. Twirling? Joy?

And then we all collected our wits a bit, and chuckled, and walked away, cheeks flushed. I have no idea who those people were! What lunatics, twirling like that in the middle of Walmart! Imagine such a thing! (And what a time it was!)

Memories. I think maybe it might be all about the memories we make. My kids still talk about that one. And so does my husband.